BIG FISH
by PurpleProseRose
Summary: A sit-down. No biggie. Just a sit-down to negotiate extortion rates. Will The Once-ler & his family agree to the terms? (Based more on Illumination Entertainment's 2012 movie)


"THE SHRANANO FAMILY?! The. SHRANANO. CRIME. FAMILY?!" The Once-ler was beside himself & so was his mother with a puzzled look. The whole family had gathered in his office as he paced back & forth, bare hands on his head. He had shed his tailcoat and gloves onto the chair. His shirt's sleeves rolled up above the elbow as The Once-ler dug into his skull.

He and most of his family were stirred with shock & shivers. Ubb's butt was sky-high as he cowered under the desk while Bret & Chet were clasped together, biting each other's fingernails. All were in a tizzy save for Grizelda & Shoshanna, The Once-ler's wife & partner.

"Look, all of y'all. Just calm down. It's the Shranano's. What could possibly go wrong? We have to ASSERT to them that we ain't taking none of this extortion racket!" she demanded forcefully.

"YEAH! How bad could they be?" The Once-ler regained himself with posture & power as he smiled with her.

"They're nothing but a bunch of two-bit bullies who're," she chuckled."Just the leading... crime mob dealing in..." she gulped. "Racketeering & extortion...Embezzling fortunes outta... corporations," a deeper gulp. "They could just... react violently..." the smile on her face slipped, hand gripping her necktie. "And... pump us with lead... and..." she gulped. "Shoot both our families... and..." both hands now on her own neck. "... salt the earth... and..." fingertips at her teeth.

"Gouge us blind?" interjected Bret.

"Break our knees?" interjected Chet.

"Prank us somethin' awful?" Interjected Bret some more.

"Mfffhm?" muffled Uncle Ubb from underneath the desk.

"Bankrupt our business?" from a pokerfaced Grizelda.

That did it. It was like the whole room would faint. Ubb crawled from under the table & stood. The twins unhinged. And then everybody screamed.

"THAT'S IT." Shoshanna proclaimed. "Oncie get Melvin. Isabella, you, Grizelda & the boys take the RV. No business is worth losing lives over. Well, _our_lives anyway." She was about to storm out her jacket in hand until her husband cut her off.

"We can't just run away!"

"You're right," she exhaled. "They'll find us either way. If not us, then my family. We have no choice but to go," she rubbed her nape.

"How bad could they be?" He smiled at her & gave her shoulder a pat. She chuckled back and replied with a shoulder punch.

-THAT NIGHT-

The Once-ler had just put on his gloves & Isabella topped his head with his hat.

"Now always remember, Oncie. Be polite and," she grasped his cheeks. "Don't say anything that'll get you sho- I mean, killed- I mean!"

"I get it, ma."

Shoshanna entered from the bathroom and fixed her cufflinks. She was about to grab her jacket.

"You're going to wear that?" Isabella with arms crossed, pointed out.

"Yeah? It's what I always wear," Shoshanna replied, perplexed. Ever since she partnered with The Once-ler as business associates, her mother-in-law had not cared nor said much about her violet, pinstriped suit.

"You know first impressions are everything, right?"

"Also I need to borrow your thneed tuft coat," The Once-ler added.

-LATER-

The pair walked down the mountain of marbled mansion steps.

"We make this look good. I look like a boss... the BIG man... THE BIG BOSSY MAN," boasted The Once-ler in his wife's fluffy pink coat. He smoked the stogie in a drag.

"Speak for yourself," wobbled Shoshanna. "Damn. I look like a bloody hooker. I know that's the point but..." She was in pain, wobbling as her heels tried to find steady ground. The miniskirt wasn't helping & her hat feathers bent & itched her cheek caked with make-up. Agony.

Midway to the limousine, Aunt Grizelda stopped the two.

"Bring these," out of her coat she stuck a pistol in Shoshanna's shallow cleavage & another in her nephew's breast pocket. Before the two could even flinch, " I goomar'd for awhile & honey, it ain't always pretty. So pack these just in , I used to be this sweet young thing at a bathhouse-"

"FFFLGRRRZuh! I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" He flailed his hands.

After Shoshanna took the too-obvious gun out of her shallow chest and tucked it somewhere less obvious: into her stocking under the skirt, the surprised couple just carried on in silence until The Once-ler broke the silence.

"What's a goomar?" Grizelda's nephew asked. Shoshanna cupped her hand into her partner's ear. And The Once-ler drew back aghast. After that, they just climbed into the limo in silence.

-LATER (Sometime after the introduction & what have you)-

The hazy boardroom was filled with cigar smoke, stillness & tension. The colorful couple look so out of place at the table's head. Both sides flanked by gents in darker suits, maid men & crime bosses, their godfather at the opposite edge. Shoshanna was inhaling her stogie smoke & the residual pollution around her while The Once-ler was fiddling with his thumbs. His sparkly, blue shades on the table. She took a drag, crushed the butt then crushed her husband's hand (though meaning to clasp it at first.)

"You expect us... to pay this mafia... protection money?! Our. Hard earned. MONEY?!"

"That's the general idea," replied the godfather not even flinching.

"To you people. Murderers,"

"Shosh..." The Once-ler held on in a nervous whisper.

"Liars."

"Shosh."

"Thieves."

"SHOSHANNA!" The Once-ler's whisper exclaimed. His heart was racing. His soul hanging on. Has his wife gone mad?!

"We sweat our butts off while you sit there and do nothing?! Well, I won't go through with it," She stood. "_We_ won't go through with it," she looked to her husband, her hand on his shoulder. He could barely grasp it. Her hand or the fact she had insulted a mafia boss that could do away with them, their family & their business with a lift of a finger.

She turned to go but-

"Funny," he the man in his 50's spoke at last. "The insult "murderer" coming from you," He was so calm. "Mrs. Once-ler... don't you use more than what it takes to make one of your husbands thneeds?"

"Yes," she breathed.

"And where do you get your raw materials?"

"From truffula trees..."

"And what do you do to these "truffulla trees?"

"... we chop 'em down..." she grimaced. Not even seeing her face the godfather could tell- the whole room could tell of her hypocritical embarrassment.

She stooped down to her sitting husband & whispered.

"Let's go. I didn't go all this way to get burned. If I did I woulda stuck with your brothers."

A tacky maid man interjected.

"EH! SWEETHEART IN THE GREEN SUIT! WHY DON'T CHOOS COME WITH A _REAL_ MAN, AND BE _MY_ BITCH?!"

It was as if the whole room would shake with accented laughter as The Once-ler got up. Shoshanna steadily anchored her arm on his and the two were about to get their coats and leave as The Once-ler was about to take his first step past the border that divided the hallway & board room until-

"EH!" another gangster interjected. "YOU'S WANNA SEE A MAN- CHECKOUT HIS AUNT GRIZELDA. SHE LOOK like A STUMP... A FAT STUMP... OF ONNA 'EM TRUFFLE TREES... JUST _AFTER_THEY'S A CHOPPED IT... THEN PUT COW HORNS ON IT."

More laughter save from the godfather who was just smugly smirking in his chair as The Once-ler stood still, his wife, surprised as she felt this new, darker aura possess her man.

"EH!" interjected another. "YOU'S WANNA SEE A BITCH, CHECKOUT HIS MOM- ALL STUFFED UP LIKE SHE WAS SOMETIN'!"

The Once-ler felt like he was going to pop a vein in his silence. Shoshanna could feel his pulse racing as he turned red under his shades & hat.

"EH!" There the whole room went. "MOM? WATTABOUT HIS_DAD_? WHERE _HE_ AT?"

"DAT WHY 'E DRESS LIKE A FRICKIN' WHOOPSIE?"

"SO 'IS MOM'S FREE? NIIIICE. CUT ME'S A PIECE O' DAT CAKE!"

Shoshanna knew she had to do something fast before _he_ could do something he'd regret.

"You don't have to prove anything- don't listen. Let's go," she whispered hurriedly.

Meanwhile, the godfather looked at his cigar and calmly stated, "At least they don't run their mouth like real women should . Just look at that wife of his," he still stared at his cigar. He didn't even have to look at her to know he'd struck a nerve. "What woman runs a business bigger than her husband's. How? With that argument flawed from the beginning- with a weak case point."

"WHAT CASE?!" exclaimed the tacky Shranano from earlier as his fellow mobsters laughed at her flawed debate. "IT AIN'T EVEN DEBATE WORTHY!" Okay, scratch that.

In a flash, the couple turned on their heels, whipped out their pistols and shot on sight. But they were outmanned. Outgunned. They clasped hands as they went out in a blaze of glory.

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. THAT CAN'T HAVE. POSSIBLY HAPPENED.

"Whatta you mean, Ted?" The old gloves from the wooden slats expressed as the hermit spoke.

"It's too... I mean, you're still here... How does that work?

"Well..."

"Just tell me the truth?"

The couples' girly screams rung through the night as the mobsters continued to fire as they crossed the crystal glass rooftops.

"No, seriously."

"Fine," exhaled the old man through his moustache.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Once-ler screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shoshanna screamed.

They both screamed.

The couple were pinned, separated by gunfire. Each were protected by posts at the sit-down room's entrance. Both clutch their pistols.

"HOW DOES THIS THING EVEN WORK?!" The Once-ler shouted to his wife barely audible above the hellfire.

"YOU JUST GOTTA LIFT IT OFF SAFETY!"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"

"I DUNNO! I JUST STUMBLED UPON IT ON THE INTERNET BUT WAS TOO LAZY TO FINISH READING!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Awhile later, we woke up in the hospital with minor wounds & bruises. The Shrananos didn't even bother to extort us. Saying we weren't worth it- Much to our relief & insult."

THE END

-EPILOGUE-

Shoshanna stared at the white ceiling clothed by darkness. Her bed, next to her husband's, not separated by the curtain which was drawn back. She sighed.

"Guess my English skills aren't what they used to be."

"Nope," he turned his side to her. "You were never one for debate, though."

".. yeah... At least you were so brave," she turned to him & smiled.

" Guess they were _that_ bad."

"Yeah."

The two snickered.


End file.
